Butterbeer
by wallfl0wer
Summary: Draco and Hermione have an interesting conversation. Discussions of snorting, senile house elves and ferrets ensue!


**Butterbeer**

**---**

As she sipped, the sizzle sprung out, leaping into her mouth, riding the hot liquid like a dolphin rides the waves of a deep blue ocean. Strangely content with the fizzle in her mouth, she faced the boy across from her with mild curiosity.

"What do you want, Malfoy?"

"Just to talk."

"Oh, that's rich, coming from you. You want to insult me, no doubt."

"..."

"Oh, all right, what is it that you desire to speak to me about?"

"Anything. Everything."

"Thanks for being so specific."

"My pleasure."

"Well?"

"Well what?"

"You're infuriating."

"Likewise."

"You're being irritatingly monosyllabic."

"It's part of my charm, Granger."

"Of course it is."

"Well?"

"Well what?"

"Talk to me."

"Shut up, Malfoy."

"..."

"..."

"I'd rather not."

"Ferret."

"Is something living in your hair? A rat, maybe?"

"I don't need this."

"..."

"..."

"..."

"Ow!"

"Where are you going?"

"Let me go!"

"I don't think so."

"Oh, this is ridiculous!"

"I'm glad you think so. I'm rather enjoying myself, seeing you all flustered and red."

"Well, I'm touched you find my annoyance so amusing."

"Don't talk to me, Granger."

"What? I thought you wanted me to... Oh, never mind. You're impossible."

"There's my girl."

"Pardon?"

"I'm trying to keep you on your toes, Granger."

"Why?"

"Because it's fun."

"Well, I'm happy for you."

"No, you're not."

"..."

"I can just see all the questions milling about in your head."

"What sort of questions?"

"_Is he a Death Eater? Why is he talking to me? Does he still hate me? What color are his boxer shorts?_"

"PARDON?"

"I added the last one for good measure. But I know that's what you're thinking in your filthy, little mind, Granger."

"Oh, shove off, Malfoy!"

"I'd rather not."

"Please."

"..."

"Stop snickering."

"I'm sorry, but I think you just pleaded with me. Excuse me if I find that amusing."

"Go away."

"No."

"..."

"You know what, Granger, when you're angry, the tip of your nose goes a bit red."

"Thanks, Malfoy. Keep those compliments coming."

"No, it's rather endearing, really."

"You think me looking like Rudolph is endearing?"

"Who the bloody hell is Rudolph?"

"Never mind, Malfoy. It's a Muggle thing."

"_Oh_. I don't think I want to know then."

"Didn't think you would."

"Now I do."

"What?"

"Want to know."

"Why?"

"Because you thought I wouldn't. I want to prove you wrong."

"Well, don't just admit all your silly, childish mind games to me, Mafloy. That defeats the purpose a bit, doesn't it?"

"Not at all."

"..."

"So, Rudolph?"

"I'm not going to dignify that question with an answer."

"Don't be silly."

"Why are you still here?"

"Because I delight in making your life miserable, of course."

"You're really grating on my nerves."

"Haven't I just told you that is the reason I'm still gracing you with my presence?"

"I'd rather you didn't."

"I'd rather I did."

"Shut up."

"No."

"Shut up."

"Oh, do stop repeating yourself. You're starting to sound a bit bonkers."

"Am I?"

"I was hoping you'd be a bit more skilled at this."

"At what?"

"Verbal sparring."

"I'm not going to waste my brilliant verbal sparring talent on you, Malfoy."

"Oh, because you've got so many others around you to waste it on. Potter and Weasel can keep up with you?"

"Shove off."

"I thought I said I wasn't going to leave you alone."

"Why?"

"This is really getting tedious, Granger. I don't like repeating myself. We can't all be senile house elves."

"..."

"Oh, I'm sorry. Was that a violation of the spew code of conduct?"

"S.P.E.W!"

"I apologize."

"..."

"Don't snort. It's not ladylike."

"Since when have you thought of me as a lady?"

"..."

"Oh, it seems as though the nouveau Cyrano has lost his ability to retort! What a loss to humankind."

"I want you to stop using that tone with me."

"Why would I do that?"

"Because, it's unkind."

"Oh, and you don't use unkind tones with me?"

"You deserve it. You're nothing but a-"

"Don't say it, Malfoy."

"Fine. You're nothing but a fellytone!"

"A what?"

"A fellytone."

"Don't you mean a telephone?"

"No, I don't mean a telephone. Wait, what's a telephone?"

"What's a fellytone?"

"Some word I heard a Muggle use. I figured it was an insult, so I decided to-"

"..."

"Don't laugh at me!"

"I believe the word you heard was indeed 'telephone', and it's not an insult. It's an electronic device used by Muggles to communicate with each other."

"Oh."

"That was lame."

"I can think of a few lame comebacks that you shot out."

"Please, why are you still here?"

"For the last bloody time, Granger, I don't like repeating myself."

"Go away."

"No."

"Fine, I'll go."

"Sit down, Granger!"

"..."

"..."

"Not this again. Malfoy, get your hands off me."

"Well, I wouldn't have to touch you if you didn't keep trying to leave."

"Can't you take a hint, Malfoy? I've got better things to do than sit around and listen to you whine and make a fool of yourself."

"I most certainly am _not _making a fool of myself."

"Look, can you just make your point so I can go?"

"Well, honestly?"

"Hallelujah! Yes, honestly."

"Please don't spout Muggle religious sayings to me, Granger. Makes my stomach go all wibbly."

"Wibbly?"

"Shut up."

"..."

"You can't smirk at me!"

"Says who?"

"Do you want to know what my point is or not?"

"Yes. Please."

"all right. I've decided that I no longer want to follow in my father's footsteps. There, I've said it out loud!I think you should throw me a party, Granger. That was quite a confession, there. I want a big cake, and lots of presents, ooh and I've always wanted one of those things you hang to the ceilings and swing at with a big bat. That's always struck me as rather-"

"You _what_?"

"I want to swing a bat at the-"

"No, Malfoy, before that."

"I. Don't. Want. To. Be. A. Death. Eater."

"..."

"Did you not even comprehend that? Do I have to spell out the words for you? I-"

"This is strange."

"What's strange?"

"You, renouncing your heritage, your past, everything you've ever known."

"Well, don't make me out to be some sob story hero, Granger. That's not the sort of ramification I want."

"I think you're afraid."

"Ha! I laugh at danger and drop ice cubes down the vest of fear."

"..."

"What?"

"Don't be silly."

"You're the silly one."

"Nice one."

"Shut up."

"You know, that shut up was devoid of vehemence."

"It was intended to be full of vehemence!"

"I'm sure."

"You're annoying."

"So are you."

"..."

"all right, now that you've told me your little epiphany, am I free to go?"

"No."

"Well, sod it, I'm going regardless."

"..."

"MALFOY! For the last time!"

"You're going to have to kill me before I let go."

"..."

"What's this? Are we going to tickle each other to death?"

"It always worked with Ron..."

"Ugh, disgusting. Comparing me to a weasel!"

"You know, weasels and ferrets really aren't all that different."

"I resent that."

"I bet you do."

"Please sit down."

"A Malfoy groveling? I never thought I'd see the day."

"Granger, you're walking on very thin ice here."

"Oh, all right. I'll sit down."

"Good."

"You know, you're not that bad when I know what buttons to push."

"..."

"..."

"Don't smirk at me. You remind me of myself. It's rather disconcerting."

"Hmph!"

"Oh, come on. I just paid you the biggest compliment."

"You just told me I resembled a sneaky, pasty ferret with beady eyes and long nose."

"I did not! I just told you you resembled a tall stallion of a man with lovely grey eyes and refined features."

"..."

"I told you snorting wasn't ladylike, Granger."

"Right. Well, now that you've conformed, seen the light, blah blah blah, are you going to join our side?"

"Maybe."

"Maybe?"

"..."

"Ah, Malfoy. Started talking to yourself, I see."

"Yes... it's the only way I can be assured of intelligent conversation."

"..."

"I thought I told you snorting-"

"Now you're starting to sound like a senile house elf!"

"What's this I hear? Granger, did you just join me in a friendly poke at those faithful servants of wizard kind? Quick, call the Daily Prophet. This kind of thing may never again be heard from the mouth of Hermione Granger!"

"Malfoy, stop flailing your arms about. You're drawing attention to yourself."

"I know. That's the point."

"..."

"Don't roll your eyes at me."

"This is getting a bit ridiculous."

"I know, but it's oh so fun!"

"Now, not only you sound like a senile house elf, but you're starting to sound a bit like fairy."

"Do not."

"Do too."

"Granger, I never knew you had it in you."

"What?"

"A sense of humor."

"Appearances can be deceiving, Malfoy."

"And that is exactly the point I have been trying to prove throughout this entire debacle."

"Why?"

"Well, just because I look like an arrogant, albeit extremely handsome, Death Eater with no heart, I'm really just an arrogant, albeit extremely handsome, non Death Eater with no heart."

"So, you'd admit to having no heart?"

"No, not exactly, it just sounded better in my head to say it that way."

"I bet it did."

"Shut up."

"Mm, that really does get old."

"Come here."

"What?"

"Come here!"

"Did you just stomp your foot?"

"It always worked with Mother."

"..."

"No more snorting!"

"Right."

"Now, come here."

"What for?"

"I want to show you something."

"Okay. What is it that-"

As he kissed, the sizzle sprung out, leaping into his mouth, riding his tongue like a dolphin rides the waves of a deep blue ocean. Strangely content with the fizzle and clashing of tongues in his mouth, he faces the girl now on his lap with abundant desire.

**---**

**A/N: **Well, that was an attack of random insanity, although it didn't turn out quite as I had hoped, the idea stuck and I had to get it out.

I used a number of quotes from BlackAdder, because that show is far funnier than I am.

"_Ha! I laugh at danger and drop ice cubes down the vest of fear."_

"_What's this? Are we going to tickle each other to death?"_

"'_Ah, Malfoy. Started talking to yourself, I see.'_

'_Yes... it's the only way I can be assured of intelligent conversation.'"_

Hope you enjoyed it! I enjoyed writing it! And yes, it is 3 in the morning, so excuse me for any inconsistencies or whatever. I just hope you take it for what it is... a bit of creative, venting drivvle.

Oh, and I own nothing.


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